Three Apparitions.

i.     A long time ago, the balance scale in my head tilted its rusty arms and I was overcome with a harsh realization that I wasn't cut out for the russian roulette world of music. So I went cold turkey; no performances, conjuring up third-rate melodies or even weekly practices at beat up studios. I gave up under the pretext of diverting my focus towards the messier parts of my life. From then on the only outlet for my musical frustration was a bleak Youtube account.

      I've always tried to find a different way back in. Right now, the most conceivable idea sledgehammered in my noggin' is to get involved in the tech side of the scene. I can't see myself doing anything else, even after years of trying to shake it off. It's my Fermina Daza, my Tereza, my end to all ends.

ii.    I'm tired of the cyclic hula hoop dance of the dating scene. We're so held back by by our unwarranted need to multiply. Once the facts are laid out straight, that's all there is to it: a biological obligation.
So then why am I willing to contort my thoughts and actions into finding a competent -if not complete- match?
Why do I let myself fall for the archetypes of toxic males when there are plenty of quintessentially good-natured men who would do (quite possibly/close to) anything to "make it work"?

Two contradicting questions that bounce off my bedroom walls late at night when I have chills in places my blankets cannot warm.

iii.    Today, the mom-ster commented on a newspaper article about a well-known figure who recently underwent a dramatic physical transformation. After listening to what she had to say, I imagined a different reality (in a purple house, 600 trillion light years away, where I am named Avtryssia La Lune) wherein the same figure was spotted with a plump jelly belly instead. I wondered if my alternate mother (different name, same attitude towards life) would have commented on this person's appearance as my mom-ster had in my reality?

I believe that all of our conversations/actions each have an equal possibility of going in different directions. Sometimes I think God tests out all of His combinations in this expanding legoland of a Universe to see what fits and which butterfly's wing flap would cause the hurricane on the other side of the world. Just a late night thought.