Cardinal directions

Don't tell me I'm lost when I don't even know where I'm supposed to go. When my eyes failed me, I used logic to guide me to the north but my heart can't tell east from west. Besides, maps can only guide you if it's written in a language you know. So tell me; is it geography or geometry if I walk around in circles, begging for scraps from a king who lusts for something stronger than life? What do I do when all I can offer in return is a better judgment of the trodden paths leading into the mighty hills that seem to point at Pushpaka chariots nestled between cirrus clouds? Release me from my dukkha and I will dissolve in the reds and tangerines of the orient. For you, sire, I will walk on brick roads as yellow as aragvadhas, follow the second star on the right and go straight on 'til morning.

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I was taking photos of the intricate murals in the Phra Borom Maharatcha Wang (Grand Palace) when I suddenly realized that I'd drifted a little too far from my family members. This lead to the thought of me getting lost in the bustling metropolitan city of Bangkok with nothing but an old messenger bag and really sweaty leather Converse shoes. I think this post is about love, it could be a bunch of other things too. It's 1:00 a.m and I'm running on leftover sticky rice pudding with mango. Bangkok's really gotta hold of me.

Ray LaMontagne - Let It Be Me

Dah. Cukup lah sedih sedih. Tak larat. Penat benci diri sendiri. Malam macam ni lah kena dengar lagu lagu melankolik sampai tertidur. Susah betul kawal emosi malam malam buta ni.

The fat girl wants to say something

I don't think people in the past had ever felt the degree of my generation's low self esteem. We're bombarded with images upon images of photoshopped perfection every waking hour through mediums that didn't even exist half a century ago.

Not to mention all of the contradicting ideas dispersed by advertising companies that just make me want to drive a stake through my eye.

"YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL JUST BY BEING YOU....BUT YOU TOTALLY NEED THIS SHAMPOO & A BOTTLE OF DIET PILLS."

I'm sick of feeling like I'm incapable of being loved because of the way I feel about myself. I'd go so far as to say that with the way I look I can't even imagine being treated the way I know I should be.

Gregorian

Kissing
Is a kiss still a kiss if it feels just like this? Like a strong undertow past my small cupid's bow? Can it turn into song if we go on too long? Show me ways to align, dual tongues creep like vines. Vapor heated commands, steady dancing of hands. Close your eyes but don't miss when it's over tell me this: will my kiss, then, be missed if I kiss you like this?

Tugging
Your song is on a constant loop. I dance to it on still winter nights as it plays in my mind with unyielding vigor. My feet tap tap taps the cold hardwood floor, replicating the steady beat. I'll never stop. I am your doe-eyed wind-up singing-dancing puppet doll, mein meister. Love me, abuse me, pull my strings, hold my steady wooden hand. I promise we'll never stop.

Running
You can't run when your feet are cement blocks and your heart is a cargo train chugging 25 tonnes of black coal right up to your eyes and the way it burns violent flames, it shows, no iridescent glow, no sparks just pupils of black liquid gold You can't run if your mind is an ephemeral land, sometimes swallowed by sea, at times swallowed by sand, or a dull, flat plane ending only at a nebulous line that divides the earth and sky I am standing so still I can hear my knees turning into jagged stone

I just had to!

Things I love about my new room:

That birdcage lamp & the ironically cheerful blue wall

This neon coloured Egyptian picture I bought during my Penang trip. Saya pula saja nak sibuk.

MY ZEBRA PRINT BATHROOM DOOR. MADNESS.

7 months in a lively city had its perks but right now it just feels so good to be back in this quiet suburban town. Good night & hang loose.

Jessie Ware & Sampha - Valentine

Chainsaw Accident

The picture you are about to see is not for the faint hearted





You ready?

I have a hole on my finger. But the blood oozing out of my crater makes me a hundred times cooler than the moon. Just so we're clear here, I didn't really get into a chainsaw accident... It might have been a bear attack. You can take a wild guess at the comment section, if you're up for it.

My nails will tell you all you need to know

I feel so ugly. Outside and inside. Ugly right down to the core. Like there's nothing under my skin but dirt and piss. This thing I see in the mirror, it's not human. It's not even alive. I take up so much space in this world, what am I still doing here?

When will this stop? I just want it to stop.

Love Junk

Last night my flat mate & I had a long, overdue heart to heart talk. As we were frivolously discussing the extent to which love had screwed us up (no need to guess who was dominating the conversation), she started talking about her strained relationship with her boyfriend.

The two make a manic pair, to put it mildly. I've always felt like their relationship had a shot of tequila in it. And whenever they fought, it was as if they had thrown in the whole bottle into the equation; but I digress.

At one point, her eyes were facing the ceiling (we were lying on the bed) and she just went into a trance. Her words were just... floating in the room. The weirdest thing was how the cheerful sound in her voice was conflicting with the tears welling up in her eyes. She kept saying how all she wanted to know was whether her presence made an impact in that boy's life. It was kind of beautiful.

I wrote in my journal a couple of days ago, asking God to talk to me. I know it sounds silly but I think that was it. Just that line about making an impact in someone's life. I've been focusing too much on how I want someone to make me happy that I forgot about my end of the deal.

Maybe I need to wait     just a little while longer.

Bacteria Invades Cyberjaya

Night out with the half-bloods. We get excited over froyo because there is nothing else to get excited about in this sleepy town.

Although sometimes we do get terrific storms.

Amos Lee - Keep it loose, Keep it tight

Sometimes we forget what we got,

Who we are...and who we are not.

Things I did not say out loud today

a) Why is there a hurricane in my uterus & why is God punishing me for not getting knocked up?

b) A balloon is a really neat way of packaging Helium gas.

c) Hello Mr. Policeman, sir. Take no notice of the sandwich in my mouth. When I don't give in to the glutton gnome living inside my stomach, I'm actually a really good driver.

d) Ya Allah, boleh tak sekali sebulan nak jadi lelaki? #menstrual cramps.

e) Maybe if I stare at this bird long enough, it'll start braiding my hair like in the movies. Hollywood always gets the best birds.

f) I wonder how much Lynda Carter got paid to twirl in a Wonder Woman costume. Bet she didn't have to take Field Theory classes...

Sigh, nak tukar kerjaya...

Sunday

Pilgrimage

Have you ever been knee deep in thought, questioning the total amount of control that you have over your life? Back then I was always chasing an intangible future while my past was leashed on to my thought patterns so tightly that all I got out of all the running were psychological rope burns.

It's easy to embrace happiness but it's that gratifying feeling we get after dwelling over darker thoughts that keeps us chained to sadness. People go out of their way to incorporate a manic depressive edge to their personality because depression is mistaken as a part of genius & creativity. But I've learned (the hard way) that being miserable doesn't get you respect, attention nor will it generate any sympathy from the people around you.

I can't say that I'm cheerful all the time now but I am making a conscious effort. Besides, I'm just way too young to be fed up with life. I'll save that for when all my teeth fall off and I lose my ability to bite bright shiny objects.



Mmm, shiny.